Anyone who has ever owned a cat will have experienced this.

BATHROOMS - Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary
to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS - Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is
particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS - If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
you back up so it is as long as a human's barefoot.

HAMPERING - If one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
otherwise known as "hampering." The following are the rules for
hampering:

A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on
and then picked up and comforted.

B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book
unless you can lie across the book itself.

C. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap
across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING - As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in
their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This
will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move
around.

LITTER BOX - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter
out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between
their toes.

HIDING - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot
find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love)
thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a
treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love
this, so do it often. And don't forget their guests.