I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."
-- David Letterman
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
-- Joan Rivers
Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.
-- Frank McKinney Hubbard
From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.
-- Katharine Whitehorn (Roundabout, 1962)